Why God Never Received Tenure from Any University

 1. He had only one major publication
 2. It was in Hebrew
 3. It had no references
 4. It wasn't published in a referenced journal
 5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself
 6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
 7. The scientific community can't replicate His results
 8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects
 9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning
    the subjects
 10. He rarely came to class and just told students "Read the Book"
 11. Some say He had His son teach the class
 12. He expelled His first two students
 13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a
     mountaintop.
 14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed






 A little Boy's Letter to God

 A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed two weeks but nothing
 happened.

  Then he decided to write to GOD a letter requesting the $100.  When
 the postal authorities received the letter GOD, they decided to send it
 to President Clinton.  The president was so impressed, touched, and
 amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00
 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money a
 little boy.

 The little boy was delighted with the $ 5.00 and sat down to write a
 thank you note to GOD, which read:

 Dear GOD,

 Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that
 for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual,
 [Uncle Sam] deducted $95.00.





 [The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual students and
 are "genuine, authentic, and unretouched." They were compiled by Richard
 Lederer, and appear in the 12/31/95 edition of "National Review"
 magazine.]

 It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are
 retold by young scholars around the world:

 In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
 the world, so He took the Sabbath off.  Adam and Eve were created from an
 apple tree.  Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.  Noah built an ark, which
 the animals came on to in pears.  Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
 but a ball of fire by night.

 The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
 the unsympathetic Genitals.  Samson was a strongman who let himself be led
 astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.  Samson slayed the Philistines with the
 axe of the apostles.

 Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
 which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned
 in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
 Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
 apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh
 Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 Moses died before he ever reached Canada.  Then Joshua led the Hebrews
 in the battle of Geritol.  The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
 Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

 David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with he
 Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon,
 one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
 they do one to you.  He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat
 alone."

 The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The
 epistles were the wives of the apostles.  One of the opossums was St.
 Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

 St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is
 another name for marriage.  A Christian should have only one wife. This
 is called monotony.